namestrees | IC Inbox

I told you, I think. I killed... Everyone, when I was little. Since then, they don't leave me alone.

(she knows it's not real, but it feels real, and sometimes, she can't always tell. it hurts, and it makes her head spin, and next thing she knows, she loses it.)

[Ah... That's hard. Constantly seeing the people you killed. He's quiet for a moment, since he has absolutely no idea how to handle this.]

...Does seeing them make you feel guilty?

(there's a sigh that come out of her, hand fumbling to find his to grip. her voice, usually hoarse, comes out even more so.)

I never stopped.

[It's cool, he's pretty chill with physical contact. Just lets her curl against his chest and clutch at his hand if she needs. Sorry that it's kind of weird and dry and scaly on the back don't worry about that, it's not new.]

Oh... [It's a sympathetic 'oh'. But also.. man. Having done something you felt guilty about, and then never being able to escape it. Constantly being reminded. (Idly, he can't help but wonder if Kratos ever felt like that in regards to Lloyd and his exsphere. He only has it because Kratos had to kill his mother, after all. But that's thoughts for later.)]

I'm sorry. [What else is there to say? Jinx clearly isn't going to forgive herself any time soon-- and hallucinating those she'd killed probably makes it even harder to come to any sort of acceptance.]

Edited (lmao default icon) 2022-02-21 22:20 (UTC)

It's fine.

(it's not fine.

she shudders, gripping his hand as if it could ground her, but it can't. neither can it suppress the hiccup that leaves her before she removes herself from the warm embrace from someone who definitely took one of her spots as a sibling. her own weren't always this warm.

all so that she could get moving, get this energy out of her, so she paces, sometimes a finger hooking under her eye to catch a tear.)

When I was a kid, we'd pull jobs. Stealing, usually, so we could eat. I'd always ruin it them, one way or the other. So, one of them started saying I was a jinx because it'd never go right as long as I tagged along. Silly, right? Today, I'm just Jinx. The world goes around, and we learn how to make our flaws our foundation, I guess? Something something, philosophy, expressing this is pretty hard.

[He won't correct her, because they both know it isn't fine. But he gets what she means. It's not fine, but it has to be, because what's the other option? She can't magic herself over things like this.

He lets her get up to Pace, and settles back against Noishe, just letting her start to get that pent up energy out.]

...Well, yeah, kids usually don't get things right. It's part of being a kid. [Not to dismiss her, but also-- who would expect a kid to be a master theif? They can't pay attention worth a damn, they can't modulate their feelings, they're still working at dexterity and judgment. Hell even he can't do half those things, and he's well into his teens.]

But I get what you mean. Kind of... taking the things that hurt you and making it a point of pride so it doesn't hurt you anymore. Or like the kind of people who make everything a joke so no one thinks seriously about anything around them. [He's 100% thinking of Zelos on that one.] And that sort of thing is really hard to let go of.

When it happened, I was trying to help. Vi punched me the in the face and called me a jinx, and it was a downright spiral into Hearing Voices and Seeing Things Land from there. If I were to get caught up in every mistake, everything I do wrong, I'd be... Worse. All in all, I like who I am, even if I'm... Different. It's basically what you've said, it's a point of pride, I worked really hard into killing Powder-me and becoming Jinx-me, so it wouldn't hurt anymore.

(now he knows her name.)

[He's quiet again, considering. It's... not a healthy way of coping she'd picked. Not to him, at least. But he also has to accept that maybe he's an outlier. His friends had told him that a few times-- not everyone was strong enough to accept their mistakes and learn from them. Not everyone was strong enough to change, or to fight.

But Jinx seems to see it differently. After all: she'd just said that the fact that she'd completely let go of her prior self was something she was proud of.]

...I don't think I'd be able to do that. [It's said wryly-- he doesn't really know how he feels about it, but at the same time, Jinx's life isn't his.] I feel like... Everything I've done wrong, all those mistakes... that's what's made me me.

[After a moment, he shrugs, eyes dipping down.] And... I've made some pretty huge mistakes. Usually when trying to help, like you said. In fact, I don't think I could even pick the biggest.... Probably when I refused to listen to Kratos and we destroyed the anchor between our two worlds.

[He's not sure he'll even know what the death toll was on that one.]

You're not wrong. They made me, me, too. Sometimes too literally.

(her back meets the cold wood, and she slides down until she reaches the floor where lloyd stays. her hand is gentle, tucking a strand of his hair behind his ear as she hums, quietly and tranquil for the time being. this is her element, after all, the shame of past mistakes blending with the real.

and then she boops his forehead.)

Can't take it back, dumb dumb. Can only hope they make you stronger, whatever that means to you in particular.

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WOW I LOST THIS NOTIF?

WOW RUDE SUCH A DELICATE MOMENT

right at the denouement

right in my feefees

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